Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The poor, neglected Creative Feelings Monkey

I admit, I've been avoiding you, my dear blog. I think I've had an epiphany, but I'm still not sure it's not just a trick the evil thought monkey is playing on me in retribution for rendering him nearly mute. But I don't think it's a trick. I think that it's because I've been so active in trying to end the Evil Though Monkey's troubling antics, that I may have inadvertently crushed another monkey, my Creative Feelings monkey.

Am I diving into a deeper, crazier, monkey metaphor? Oh hell yes I am. But bear with me.

The Evil Thought Monkey is a bully
So I've talked about the Evil Thought Monkey before. He's the little bastard who lives in my head and delights in throwing my life, and mind, out of whack. He throws those negative intrusive thoughts my way, the thoughts that keep me up and night worrying that I might... do bad things.... accidentally... or not... maybe I'm just evil deep down... yeah, I must be. And that's when I yell and throw things at the Thought Monkey to make him shut up and leave me alone. And the doctor gives me magical pills that help me bulk up my brain for it's fight against the Thought Monkey. I got some good ones recently, they were like steroids for a cage fighter, my opponent never stood a chance and I knocked out that Though Monkey cold. I can still hear him whimpering mean things in my general direction as he huddles in fear on the floor. But those little suggestions to drive off a bridge or punt my dog into the creek don't get much traction with me and my doped up brain.

And that's pretty cool, right? But in my battle with the Evil Thought Monkey I've forgotten about the other irrational thoughts and feelings that I do want in my life. And without realizing that there were even two monkeys in the ring with me, I knocked them both out. The Evil Thought Monkey went down... but so did the Creative Feelings monkey.


I imagine the creative feelings monkey
is a lot like this little guy: cute, sweet,
 and not screaming obscenities at me
I didn't even realize how much I loved the Feelings Monkey until I'd beat him into silence. Feelings Money was that voice in my head that narrated the dull moments of the day to make them sound as epic as The Game of Throne. He was the voice that rewrote the lyrics to Baby Got Back so I could sing it to my children. The Feelings Monkey was the voice that told me to be creative and committed to writing in my blog. And he as been conspicuously absent for the past 3 months, since I started my new meds. And I want him back.

Like the Evil Thought Monkey, the Creative Feelings Monkey still has a voice in my head, it's just incredibly diminished. I steal hear the whispers of "wear your halloween costume to work" or "try using noodles instead of rice in that hotdish". And instead of ignoring them, which is so easy to do, I try to listen to these little creative suggestions and draw out more. Sometimes it's like grasping at thin air, but the more snippets I catch and hold on to, the louder the creative feelings monkey is getting. It's slow going, and it takes effort. Real effort to re-train my brain that only the bad crazy should be silenced, but the good crazy, the part of my brain that makes me my full self, should be allowed to speak and fill me back up with it's ideas and passions.

Because now I realize that without the creative, fun part of my insanity I'm just... fine. Not great, and certainly not the special, fun, crazy, creative person I want to be. So that's what my current battle is. Maintain enough sanity to get through life without debilitating depression or anxiety, without panic attacks interrupting my day, or intrusive thoughts keeping me up all night, while at the same time not turning myself into a Get Through The Day robot, going through life just feeling fine, nothing more, nothing less. So that's where you come in, blog. You must help me tease out these whispers from the Creative Feelings monkey and make them into something worth sharing, in hopes that in doing so that whisper will one day turn back into a full voice.

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