Am I diving into a deeper, crazier, monkey metaphor? Oh hell yes I am. But bear with me.
|The Evil Thought Monkey is a bully|
And that's pretty cool, right? But in my battle with the Evil Thought Monkey I've forgotten about the other irrational thoughts and feelings that I do want in my life. And without realizing that there were even two monkeys in the ring with me, I knocked them both out. The Evil Thought Monkey went down... but so did the Creative Feelings monkey.
|I imagine the creative feelings monkey |
is a lot like this little guy: cute, sweet,
and not screaming obscenities at me
Like the Evil Thought Monkey, the Creative Feelings Monkey still has a voice in my head, it's just incredibly diminished. I steal hear the whispers of "wear your halloween costume to work" or "try using noodles instead of rice in that hotdish". And instead of ignoring them, which is so easy to do, I try to listen to these little creative suggestions and draw out more. Sometimes it's like grasping at thin air, but the more snippets I catch and hold on to, the louder the creative feelings monkey is getting. It's slow going, and it takes effort. Real effort to re-train my brain that only the bad crazy should be silenced, but the good crazy, the part of my brain that makes me my full self, should be allowed to speak and fill me back up with it's ideas and passions.
Because now I realize that without the creative, fun part of my insanity I'm just... fine. Not great, and certainly not the special, fun, crazy, creative person I want to be. So that's what my current battle is. Maintain enough sanity to get through life without debilitating depression or anxiety, without panic attacks interrupting my day, or intrusive thoughts keeping me up all night, while at the same time not turning myself into a Get Through The Day robot, going through life just feeling fine, nothing more, nothing less. So that's where you come in, blog. You must help me tease out these whispers from the Creative Feelings monkey and make them into something worth sharing, in hopes that in doing so that whisper will one day turn back into a full voice.